Parenthood Boundaries With Love

Unlike IKEA furniture, parenthood doesn't come with a manuel. Discuss with your children the challenges and triumphs that come with being a parent. Teach them that the boundaries you set are there to protect them and are given out of love.

Parenting: Touching The Hearts Of Our Youth Video

Quotes:

Ezra Taft Benson: “Usually the Lord gives us the overall objectives to be accomplished and some guidelines to follow, but he expects us to work out most of the details and methods. The methods and procedures are usually developed through study and prayer and by living so that we can obtain and follow the promptings of the Spirit.”

James E. Faust: “Child rearing is so individualistic. Every child is different and unique. What works with one may  not work with another.”

Brigham Young: “Parents should never drive their children, but lead them along, giving them knowledge as their minds are prepared to receive it. Chastening may be necessary betimes, but parents should govern their children by faith rather than by the rod, leading them kindly by good example into all truth and holiness.”

How to promote optimal development: 1. Love, warmth, and support 2. Clear and reasonable expectations for competent behavior 3. Limits and boundaries with some room for negotiation and compromise 4. Reasoning and developmentally appropriate consequences and punishments for breaching established limits 5. Opportunities to perform competently and make choices 6. Absence of coercive, hostile forms of discipline, such as harsh physical punishment, love withdrawal, shaming, and inflicting guilt 7. Models of appropriate behavior consistent with self-control, positive values, and positive attitudes

Love One Another Video 

Brigham Young: “I will here say to parents, that kind words and loving actions toward children will subdue their uneducated nature a great deal better than the rod, or, in other words, than physical punishment.”

Joe J. Christensen: “We should avoid spoiling children by giving them too much. In our day, many children grow up with distorted values because we as parents overindulge them… One of the most important things we can teach our children is to deny themselves. Instant gratification generally makes for weak people.”

Neal A. Maxwell: “A few of our wonderful youth and young adults in the Church are unstretched – they have almost a free pass. Perks are provided, including cars complete with fuel and insurance – all paid for by parents who sometimes listen in vain for a few courteous and appreciative words. What is thus taken for granted … tends to underwrite selfishness and a sense of entitlement.”

Ezra Taft Benson: “Take time to be a real friend to your children. Listen to your children, really listen. Talk with them, laugh and joke with them, sing with them, play with them, cry with them, hug them, honestly praise them. Yes, regularly spend unrushed one-on-one time with each child. Be a real friend to your children.”

Setting limits and following through with pre-established consequences when rules are violated is one way that parents can help children learn to be self-regulating.

Take responsibility for setting the appropriate number of rules that can be realistically remembered and enforced.

While there are times when chastisement and other forms of punishment are necessary, it is crucial that these be carried out in a spirit of love and under the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

When consequences need to be enforced, the scriptures teach the principle of “showing forth afterwards an increase of love towards him whom thou hast reproved.” (D&C 121:43)

Although consequences are important to the learning process, punishment is not always the answer to misbehavior. Seeking to understand the underlying causes of the misbehavior can help parents treat the core problem and not just react to symptoms.

While confrontations and conflicts are inevitable in family life, parents can work diligently to nurture relationships and keep a positive tone in the home. Rewarding good behavior and framing expectations in a positive manner can go fare in inviting children to regulate their behavior in desirable ways.

Joseph F. Smith: “Use no lash and no violence, but … approach them with reason, with persuasion and love unfeigned… The man that will be angry at his boy, and try to correct him while he is in anger, is in the greatest fault; … You can only correct your children by love, in kindness, by love unfeigned, by persuasion, and reason.”

Boyd K. Packer: “True doctrine, understood, changes attitudes and behavior. The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior.”

M. Russell Ballard: “Helping children learn how to make decisions requires that parents give them a measure of autonomy, dependent on the age and maturity of the child and the situation at hand. Parents need to give children choices and should be prepared to appropriately adjust some rules, thus preparing children for real-world situations.”

Finding ways to say “yes” more often than “no” to a child’s request lends more credence when a parent has to say no.

 
Robert D. Hales: “Act with faith; don’t react with fear. When our teenagers begin testing family values, parents need to go to the Lord for guidance on the specific needs of each family member. This is the time for added love and support and to reinforce your teachings on how to make choices. It is frightening to allow our children to learn from the mistakes they may make, but their willingness to choose the Lord’s way and family values is greater when the choice comes from within than when we attempt to force those values upon them. The Lord’s way of love and acceptance is better than Satan’s way of force and coercion, especially in rearing teenagers.”